Some time ago I wrote an entry titled "Papa was a Rolling stone" in reference to my father (how strange to use that term). I write today to thank all of you for your advice and words of wisdom and also to let you know that on Wedenesday, June 22nd of this year he died. After speaking to many of you and after a spiritual inventory taking on my part I had decided to contact him and let him know that I was hurt by his absence in my life. I had made a decision but not acted upon it. So the opportunity to do it face to face was gone . I can't begin to explain to you the emotional roller-coaster that I have been on. I have to admit that I myself am shocked by my reaction. I expected to simply move on with my day as if I heard that someone else's father had passed, I would feel sympathy for everyone involved but would move along with my day. That is not what happened. I found myself in my bed, under the covers, behind locked doors. I cried. More than I cried over a broken heart. More than I cried over happy moments. More than I cried over failed friendships. I cried for the missed opportunity to say things I had always wanted to say and to finally see the man I was told that I got my smile from. The man who's temper I have. The man who didn't remember that my first name is Thania and not Martine. I cried because I am angry. Angry that even in his dying he had won the battle between us. I still cry.
I found out at 6:30 a.m. on Saturday, June 25th that not only had he died but that his funeral was at 11:30 a.m. that day. For all the isht I talked about, the red suit and the hat with the veil, I didn't go. I couldn't go. I wanted to be that phenomenal woman he had never known and I wasn't prepared to be that, on that day at that time. So I stayed home and cried. I made calls to various friends (to all who answered thank you) where I know the conversations consisted of me rambling and trying my best to convince them that I was not at all affected by his death (they knew I was). I am not over it, I am not sure I ever will be. But I do know it's changed me, in ways I already know and in ways to be discovered. I have already said many things to him and know that there are many more but I also I need to let him go so that he can let me go.
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love. "
Jennifer Edwards
