A.D.I.D.A.S

It is I and I am back. Well almost. Most of me is still laying on my be d at this very moment dreaming about standing on a rooftop in Brooklyn while Mos Def raps to me about the state of Black America, the state of our love and The State night club in Miami Beach. The rest of of me is here in front of the computer trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure out the fact that Terry "Waiting to Exhale" McMillian married a gay man 23 years her junior and found out he was gay the day after Christmas (6 years later)!! How do you think it happened? Do you think as a surprise she called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to re-do his garage and when Carson walked in he said "Name Changes! Name Changes!! We need Name Changes! After seeing your Husband Ms McMillian, we're re-naming your book How Carson got his Grove Back!! Also the show will now be known as Queer Guy for a Straight Girl!!". Or did he leave her note by her bedside that said "There's a surprise waiting for you in the closet. Love Jon". When she went to the closet, slowly opened the door, Jonathan jumped out saying "It's me, it's me and I'm out and I'm free!" According to several reports from those who watched their interview on Oprah, the love doesn't seem to be in the closet. Neither is the physical desire for each other. But is it sex or physical intimacy that they are desiring from each other. He obviously wants to have relations and relationships with men. But is what they had deeper then that? Is it possible that at the end of all this they both just wanted to be held. And not just held to be held but to be held by Love. And they did love each other, at one time.

And now that I have said that, here's my concern. Is this the new fate of all women? Do we have to settle for sharing? Isn't it bad enough we gotta share jobs, houses, booths at crowded Miami Subs, and the elevator?? Do I have to share a man too? Let's be honest when we go to a social environment with a man, aren't we secretly checking out every other woman in the place to see what she got going on? And don't we do it regardless of the women's ethnicity, marital status, weight, attire and height? Now we have to add Men to the CSI mission too. Damn I'm never gonna get to dance or eat or tour the setting in peace. I need some Six Million Dollar Man type Vision. Who's got that type of money (I know Oprah does, but do you think she worries about Steadman when they go out? Yeah she does.)? And as much as I swear my Gay-Dar is on tight and always working, who knows for sure anymore. Look at that dude on the Real World, I seriously thought he was gonna bring home one girl after another into that house in Philly, WRONG. So what are we to do ladies? Do like Harpo Productions does or MicroSoft does or Starbuck does. Research. Those three are some of the best companies to work for but they don't just hire any body. They make you jump through some serious hoops before they say "You're Hired (don't I say it better than Donold?). They do everything from drug test, background checks, reference checks and credit checks. We should do the same and I don't been going through his e-mail or cell phone phonebook or looking under his sofa cushions. It means watch him. Pay attention to him and his actions and interactions. I'm not saying that Terry didn't pay attention but she obviously look over some things but like I said maybe she wanted to overlook those things. So my advice to you ladies: Pay attention and listen. My momma always said you learn alot more when you open your eyes and ears and keep your mouth shut.

Recap of today's lesson:

If a man knows of and wear's MAC Lipglass he may not be into you, he may be into the guy next to you. But if you're ok with that and just want to be held at night by him, you may have found a new best friend.

Put that Where? Back there!

Thomas Jefferson was obviously delusional when he invented the telephone as a way of communication and keeping those far away from each other close. Because experience has taught me that the actual purpose of a telephone, is a weapon. Not in the heard-a-bump-in-the-night-let-me-throw-it-at-someone sort of weapon, but the “How can I hurt you so badly yet not touch you?” type weapon.

There are people that I know who seem to believe that the phone only rings but it doesn’t dial out. At least that is what I think they believe because they couldn’t possibly purposely decided that they won’t call me to see how I am doing yet claim that I have decided not to call because I have some sort of problem with them. That thinking does seem a little strange. Or the other people that I know, who I leave messages for yet they decided that just because they say they care (or did they?) that doesn’t mean they have to return the calls (whether I was calling because Wilma had knocked out my power or just to vent my frustration over the fact that the BEAUTIFUL Bre was beat out by PASTY Nicole). It’s better to let me sweat and worry that maybe I said something in our last conversation or maybe my breath stinks, and it stinks so badly that they can actually see green smoke coming through their phone when I am speaking to them . Or maybe just maybe they are not the people I thought they were and I am just a bad judge of character (could that really be it?). And lastly there are those people I know. We have no problem with each other, when we see each other it all daisies and just when I’ve just recapped everything that has gone on for the last 30 days they say it, the one thing that drives me over the edge – “So you can’t call nobody?”. That's when I have to say “Did you lose your fingers in a bad gambling debt pay back program? Did big Baby Boy Bruno come to your house and remove all you fingers one at a time? Because your number never came up on my caller id either!”

The last one is usually well intentioned and for the most part I understand where they are coming from and I don’t hold anything against them. But the first two have and do continue to cause me pain. The first one causes me pain because they seem to believe that my intent was to hurt them and well since obviously I’m not that important in their lives it’s best to dismiss me and then explain that our lack of communication is my fault. If they cared to find out why our communication has fizzled and wanted to know why they would call and ask why. But they don’t. When I try to rectify the situation myself they usually end up in category 2, I call they don’t respond. I even e-mail, nothing. Are they trying to tell me something? Also in category 2 are people who I never thought had a problem with me. It seems that one day they just decided “You know, enough of this Thania chick. I have to ignore her calls, voicemails, e-mails and text messages (I know I sound like a stalker but really I’m not). I can’t say she did anything to me I just don’t want to talk to her anymore." And just like that it ends. With no warning, no loud black girl argument that contains lots of references to 'yo mama' and 'that's why you ugly', and no returning of the curling, shoes and other borrowed items -- it's over. Ouch!! There's that damn phone again.

Now, am I being to sensitive? Possibly but I reserve the right to be. I may not be top of the list when it comes to promptly returning calls but I try and I do acknowledge the missed call when I do speak to the caller. So of course I have to find a resolution to this situation. Because it just isn't healthy to dwell on it for so too long. So here it is: For those in Categories 1 & 2: You win, I get the message, the writing is on the wall, I can take the hint, all that. I will not call anymore (or e-mail, text, leave messages, stop by - seriously I am not a stalker). I will leave you alone and we will all go one to live very productive, happy and fabulous lives.

For those in Category 3: You can't call nobody!!